Friday, January 04, 2013

damo salamat pilipinas

Well this post is long long over due. I'm not really sure if I want to say everything I have to say.
Things in my Peace Corps service didn't end quite like I wanted them to. I kind of shut down, and just wanted to come home. I did what I could, but can't help I could have done better. But maybe considering it all I was just lucky to be being as put together as I could be.
As I've mentioned several times, my town always made me feel warm welcome and safe. That being said, I did have an incident one weekend (about the time I stopped posting). I've always been a light sleeper, and the rat situation I had didn't help with this at all. I heard the sound of a plastic bag in my room in the middle of the night, and kind of snapped my fingers like I always did. It didn't stop. Finally I sat up and turned on my flashlight, and there was the rat. But this time, the rat was a boy. A kid of maybe 16, in shorts no tsinellas. Going through the things on my chair. I'm super embarrassed to say I kind of panicked   and just started screaming bloody murder, "LALAKI!!" Over and over again. But to my defense, while screaming, in this split seconds I did realize I was so much bigger than this kid and knew that if he came toward me I'd straight up pummel him. Luckily he was just as afraid as I was and scurried off to whatever whole he came in from. Most likely the kitchen, where the walls don't reach the ceiling.
It changed everything. I started hating that I stuck out like a tall white girl in a short brown country. I hated how targeted I felt. I'm not rich, but I'm American so might as well be. I know that that kid just wanted things, but it still feels awful to be the target of that.
Honestly, my service after that is a major blur. I know my library opened. I know I had a really hard time saying goodbye. I know I felt so loved. I know these things, but all I felt was just not knowing how to feel. If that even makes sense.
Luckily, since being home, I've been able to see slowly and slowly beyond that night to what I just did.
I just completed the Peace Corps. That is huge. That is amazing. That is just more than I'll be able to get a concept of for years to come.
The journey still continues, but I think the blog has come to an end.
Thank you Philippines. Thank you so much.

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