Sometimes I like to test what I’ve done in class that day to see how I’m doing. After an activity or lesson I’ve taught all ask for a show of thumbs on how it went: thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs middle. Then I’ll ask why they voted that way. It is a great way to get a general feel of how I’m doing, if I’m being understood, or if my objective got lost in translation (as so many other things seem to do). It is a trick I did in the States also and the kids really like it. It lets them have some control of how I approach their class.
Well, it is time to give myself my own thumb test. I’m seven months in, 20 to go. Somewhere in the past 30 days I completed a quarter of my time here. So how am I doing?
I think as far as my well being I’m for sure a thumbs up. For a while there when people asked how I was doing I would say something along the lines of the good moments were starting to outnumber the bad. Which is true, and still is true. I’m sure I could have said good and not been completely lying, but a lot of what I was saying was more to convince myself I was surviving this alright more than to convince others. Now I can say I am surviving and pert near thriving. Things are still different and not comfortable, but the shock is gone. So logistics of living, and by that in no particular order I mean rain, rats, roosters, rice, bucket showers, rats, hearing every noise my neighbors make, noisy neighbors (there is a difference), traffic noises, heat, laundry logistics, roosters, insomnia, rain, rats, bug bites, the actual bugs themselves, lack of sleep due to roosters, spider bites, roosters, Filipino time standards, heat, lack of sleep because of rats, ants, crazy Aunties, rats, dirt, dirt that won’t come off my body, crazy Auntie’s cooking, lack of sleep due to heat, roosters, etc and my ability to deal (I deal by listing them out in hopes of some sympathy, do I get any?) with said things I’ll say thumbs up.
As far as everything else I’m going to be honest and say maybe not a thumbs up, but I don’t know as if it is a thumbs down either. If I were to compare myself to others I might put my thumb way down for myself. But I need to not do this. We all have our own stories, own sites, and our own talk. Also, it won’t make me a better volunteer dwelling on what others are doing. I’ve got to do myself.
I’ve been frustrated with the progress I think I’m making as a volunteer. I’m doing my best, and am always trying to do better, but that doesn’t mean I’m feeling a thumbs up. This summer is fast approaching and it is overwhelming. April is booked up. Language camp the first week, along with graduation on my birthday. I’ve got an adventure planned during Holy Week, or rather I’m tagging along on other PCs’ adventures. And then a PDM in April.
An important PDM that will allow me to apply to grants and put on trainings. It requires that I bring a counterpart, which I think I’ve got lined up if her husband lets her. But I have very few details for my school. Peace Corps, how am I suppose to successfully set this up if I’m not all that certain what is going on? If I get that figured out it will shoot us in to May.
My May is a blank slate right now, and this has me also freaking out. I keep trying to plan and discuss with my Supervisor, but she is not getting past the right now it is hard. When I told her I was looking to get things set up for a summer reading program she mentioned me going around and doing things in the classroom. First that is a plan slated to start next school year, second she wants me to start something with literally two weeks left of school. It didn’t matter how much I stressed April, May, summer she wasn’t getting past what she had in her head. I was getting more and more frustrated. This was right after a lengthy discussion we had about what I’d be needing a counterpart for in April. Without PC details I was trying to explain about getting grants, and moneys, and Peace Corps would pay for it (I think, I hope, eeks), and I don’t know the dates. She seemed to be following and understanding and then after all that she asked if this was for English methods. A frustrating meeting provoking fight or flight in me. I chose to flee, and have started to do plan through the lovely medium of texting, which is a-whole-nother blog of lost in translation, but seems to be working better.
So for work, maybe a thumbs down, but with an acknowledgement that some things are getting done. When I teach I feel I’m making an impact, and from reports from home and enthusiasm here my library is two thumbs up.
The rest of this thing: thumbs middle (there has got to be a better way to put that). If I were rating my ability to make great PCV friends then the thumbs would be through the roof. I’m very lucky that fate gave me the crew I’ve had to deal with. Other wise I’m not so sure. At school my teachers are super friendly, and I even call some of them my friends. But at the end of the school day they go home to their families and I come home to my rats. I’m ok with that, I understand. Yes I wish I had someone at the school who was closer to my age and a little bit less married with children, but that is not the culture here.
This is not an excuse, but the culture here does make it harder for the girl PCVs than the boys. The women work, the men drink. The women take care of the families, the men drink with their friends. The women are inside cooking and cleaning, the men are outside gambling and drinking. Women drink, but not sociably, or like the men do. So this creates a situation. A male PCV can pull a chair up to table no problem. However. If I were to sit down and throw back the tuba this would be culturally inappropriate. Men and women don’t drink together. These men are for the most part married. I don’t really gamble and I don’t really drink. I know it is not impossible to make friends with females, but I just got to find where they are. It would help if I wasn’t so shy, but in time I think I’ll get there. I get the over all sense that I’m respected in the community. People know who I am. Some of the drinking men even called me teacher the other day. When I ride the Jeepney I have great nonverbal communication. So for now, thumbs middle but more on the upside of the radar.
I know this all takes time. I know that for most PCVs the first year is a wash. I also know these frustrations will fuel me. I’ve still not given up hope on May. I know I’ll make my friends. I know that I’ll still have bad days, but I know that I can deal with those and be better for it.
Just think, it is going to take a lot to have a bad day once I get home.
No comments:
Post a Comment